My alarm goes off at 5:22 am.
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It gives me just enough time for two 8 minute snoozes, where I slowly wake up to the dark morning.
I need this time to prepare to wake up.
At 5:38 am I get out of bed, I open the doors to let the cool morning air in, I go to the bathroom, put on my warm robe, grab my headphones, and light a candle.
I love the way the candle lights up the room.
I find one of my favorite meditations or meditative music and I settle on my bed with a straight back supported by my soft headboard and extend my legs.
I feel my body.
"Good morning, body." I say to myself.
I check into the universe that carries me everyday.
It's the first thing I do.
I notice any tension, tightness, and breathe deeply into the nook and crannies that store all my shit.
I take somewhere between 8-10 deep deep breaths before I settle in.
I always feel my shoulders and belly relax.
"Here I am again, just me and my mind."
It amazes me every time I sit to meditate, how quickly the last 24 hours flew by.
Wasn't I just here?
Where does time go?
The music guides me into stillness, yet my mind is always ready to think, fix, solve, and ruminate, especially in the morning.
All the things to do.
That's just how the mind is.
It's molded with conditions, filters, and illusions.
It's operating on software we've downloaded over decades of our lives from society, our friends, family, and culture.
The thing is, the mind is actually a beautifully brilliant and magnificent computer system that is primarily run (around 95%) by the subconscious.
The subconscious which was created in the first 7 years of our lives.
It reminds us how to walk every morning and how to do all the small things we take for granted.
It also upholds beliefs that we created during those formative years, many that are all based on not being good enough.
It also operates from past experiences and traumas, clouding the way we see life in the present moment and projecting our worries into the future.
It also is the source of our suffering.
The mind loves to judge and has lots of opinions about anything and everything.
It loves to tell stories, sometimes the same ones over and over again.
It can be so boring, yet so convincing.
I notice how it keeps bringing me out of my stillness.
It always wanders, that's what it does.
So I notice and witness it taking off on some silly tangent.
I also notice the response in my body.
It's so crazy how our body responds to the mind.
I've grown to have so much compassion for the mind.
It's a soft-wired computer system that was created on faulty information, and one cannot take any of it too seriously.
It's pretty miraculous when you come to a time and space in your life where you realize that you are not your thoughts, you are actually the witness of them.
That energy that it witnessing the thoughts, that's who we really are.
It's liberating, and can be super frustrating due it's incessant nature.
Catching it, once again, I return to my breath and celebrate my awareness to return back to the stillness.
It's always a celebration when you return home.
About 15-20 minutes into my meditation, my mind is finally still.
I bring it back so many times that my attention and intention to be in stillness wins again.
I focus on my body and tend to each power center, or chakra, with my attention, inviting in the light and thanking each part of me for all that it does.
I'm always in awe of the human body.
It's estimated that there are 37 thousand billion billion chemical reactions happening in the body every second.
So much goes on in there that we have no clue about!
As I bring a sense of awe and light into my body it hums.
I feel every cell light up.
It is the most pleasurable tingling sensation I have ever felt.
I believe this is what they call bliss.
It's magical and inspiring.
Then I spend some time holding my boys and husband, and anyone who specifically needs it, in light and love.
In my mind I surround them with a brilliant aura of light that shines into their heart and every cell of their body.
I feel present and in touch with All That Is.
I feel no separation.
I realize what looks through my eyes, looks through yours and I feel the divinity within every being.
The mind cannot compute this truth, but I feel it deeply within my heart.
In these morning moments I am reminded just how precious and sacred life is... and how easy it is to forget in the day-to-day.
My timer goes off and I never want to leave this space.
Yet, it's time to get going.
Around 6:30 am, I open my eyes to see my puppy, Winston, always waiting for me to finish my meditation.
As his eyes meet mine, he jumps towards me licking my face and pushing some random toy towards me, begging me to throw it and play with him.
We walk outside and I throw the toy as far as I can and put my feet on the earth.
I extend my arms to greet the rising sun.
I say a silent prayer thanking God for another day to live, and then my day begins.
Then my day begins.
I've been waking up this way for over a year.
I wish I could tell you that it has made my whole life perfect, but that would be a complete lie.
Even after my profound time humming with God, I still get irritable and annoyed with the day-to-day-to-day-to-day.
Let's just be honest, motherhood and well life, can be so monotonous and mundane.
I've finally realized that finding acceptance and surrender in the monotonous and mundane is the only way to feel the peace of it.
When we tune into allowing life to be what it is, that's when we discover the magic waiting for us to be found.
What I can tell you is that this morning practice has created more spaciousness in my life for me to see where I'm unconsciously dismantling my peace and my subconscious is creating havoc in my life and relationships.
The space between me and my mind, opens me up to new ways of living, being, and creating my reality.
It's also helped me see that I am certainly the creator of my experience, and no one else can influence my response to it... they may help reflect back to me what is there for me to see, for my soul's evolution, but they are in no way responsible for the way I feel.
It's liberating and a little too much at times when there is no one else to blame for our suffering.
Living as a victim to our lives maybe an easier route to fall into, but it's absolutely soul-crushing.
I also have begun to clearly see the neurological pathways that keep me stuck in the same patterns that don't serve me and it takes a Herculean effort to create a new pathway or a new response so that I may change my reality.
Sometimes I succeed with so much celebration, other times I slip right back into the same patterns.
My awareness has grown so much, that when I slip back, I immediately forgive myself and open up to the next opportunity to change the pattern.
My "slip up" is just more fuel in my fire to create a new way of being.
I'm so tired of suffering that I will make the Herculean effort to change my life.
I will wake up early every morning to take care of my mind, body, and my soul.
It's SO worth it.
What I'm hoping to convey here is that changing our lives and the way we do things is not easy, yet it's why we are here.
It takes something.
It takes consistency.
It takes a sincere soul yearning for freedom.
It requires us to take responsibility for every aspect of our lives.
Yet, many are so unwilling.
Unwilling to get out of the mind.
Unwilling to do something different.
So easily we feel defeated when we have another slip up, rather than using it as fuel for the chance we get to make another choice.
The thing is, we get ample opportunities in Motherhood to overcome ourselves.
I chose meditation because I innately knew that it was the gateway to healing myself so that I wouldn't continue to pass on my shit to my boys.
I chose meditation because I innately knew that deep within me there was mysterious power, so untapped, that my soul's yearning could not be dismissed any longer.
I chose it because I was at the end of rope and so fucking tired of my suffering.
When we stop blaming all of the things outside of us for our experience, and instead take the bull by the horn and own up to our part in creating our lives, we can finally be honest with ourselves and begin the journey home.
As my friend and mentor, Angela Ferrari, always reminds us that "The internal world is the primary world".
The internal state of our being is projected and reflected back to us by the reality we live in.
If we want to change anything, we must first attune to our internal world.
So how are you going to attend to your internal world?
Stop making excuses and GO IN!
With so much love,
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