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The Story of My Awakening (Part 6) - I was SO lonely

awakening story Nov 22, 2021
Hey! Thanks for continuing on this journey with me!
 
You see when I started on this journey, I was so lonely.
 
I was trying SO hard to make all these lifestyle changes and fullfilling all the roles in my life.
 
As I continued to research and spend countless hours learning how to make my home and life safer for my family, I began to uncover the depths of my own conditioning.
 
Even though I continued to bear the responsibility of my ignorance, it was hard to hide my anger and frustration.
 
I just felt duped.
 
When all I wanted was happy and healthy children and the world I lived in was constantly undermining my efforts to create this.
 
After the low moment I shared with you last week, I knew things had to shift.
 
I was not okay.
 
I couldn’t bear to live like this anymore.
 
I was afraid that I would hurt one of my kids or even hurt myself.
I was just so tired and I felt alone on this journey.
 
My husband was working like crazy. 
 
My family is in another state and my in-laws lived their own lives on the other side of town. 
 
It wasn't that they didn't want to be supportive, I just didn't want to inconvenience anyone. 
 
Somehow I thought I was strong enough to do it on my own. 
 
I had left my job of 14 years and was now in charge of two little boys who needed my constant attention. 
 
My current friends did not have the same awakening or epiphanies I had had. 
 
They were still operating as usual and I felt as if I was being pulled further and further away from them.
 
I’d preach what I had learned yet, nobody seemed to want to listen.
 
As I made huge strides, there were consistent moments where my kids were offered candy, goldfish, or hand sanitizer.
 
School rooms were scented with air fresheners, round up sprayed over parks and neighbor’s yards, and playdates would be filled with candy and crackers. 
 
I found myself countless times giving up, locking myself in the bathroom, and crying in the fetal position.
 
(Quick note: I’ve learned that this is an effective and normal way to help self-regulate and still use it to this day!)
 
The stress was heavy and my obsession with living this healthy lifestyle was at times unbearable for those I loved. 
 
At times it was unbearable for me.
 
But how do you unlearn what you've learned? 
 
The more I learned the more it drove me into madness.
 
I was in a downward spiral. 
 
I yearned to have someone answer this question: “What were the most important things I should focus on first?”
 
How can you make these changes and still be sane and not completely broke?! 
 
I just wanted to know what would I could do to make the most impact?!
 
 … but it was all too overwhelming.
 
Ironically all I wanted was to have happy and healthy kids, yet I was neither of these things.
 
I felt crazy. People thought I was crazy.
 
Then one evening something happened that rescued me from this dark lonely place.
 
The weather had been absolutely perfect. Low 80’s, sunny and perfect cool evenings. I just loved springtime in Arizona.
 
It was Monday, April 13th when I got a call from a longtime friend I had known since high school. 
 
The last time I saw her was at my wedding 4 years before.
 
“I’m coming into town for a conference and would love to see you,” Kellie said in her cheery, warm, and comforting voice.
 
“Oh I’d LOVE that, Kellie!” I exclaimed.
 
We planned for her to come over for dinner that Wednesday. I was thrilled. 
 
Kellie had three kids and I knew then she was aware of many of the things I was learning… I just didn’t know exactly how much she was going to teach me.
 
Wednesday finally rolled around and it warm welcome of focus for me. I was excited to create a clean and delicious dinner for my longtime friend. 
 
I was so enjoying conversation and a little girl time!
 
My husband picked her up from where she was staying so she didn’t have to grab a cab. He text me telling me they were on their way.
 
I was giddy.
 
They finally arrived and it was SO great to see her!
 
As she came into the kitchen I embraced her and just felt so happy to have her there.
 
We connected and one of the first things she noticed was the huge tub of coconut oil on my kitchen counter.
 
“I LOVE that stuff!” she exclaimed. “I use it in so many recipes, like my grain-free chocolate chip cookies.”
 
“Why would you want grain-free cookies?” I asked quickly.
 
“Well gluten isn’t that good for you,” she said and continued with, “I just try to use less wheat products, that’s all.”
 
Fewer grains, check.
 
I was excited to learn that Kellie was on this path… and she had been on it long before I had.
 
She shared so many things I had never heard of and I got to share all of the things I had learned through my years of research.
 
It was so magical to have another person on the same page.
 
It was the first time I didn’t feel so lonely, or crazy, on this journey.
 
We spoke about chemicals and the little things we both have done to get them out of our homes.
 
We laughed at the fact that we were both referred to as “crazy hippies” or “hippie moms” on multiple occasions.
 
 It was so awesome to connect at this level with another mom who was aware of what I had been so unaware of my whole life.
 
She gave me tons of brand recommendations and kid-friendly recipe ideas.
 
The insight I received was so profound and I felt that I learned more in that evening than I had my entire career in the google black hole.
 
It was a positive experience where the google black hole just leaves you feeling empty and overwhelmed.
 
Then, she asked me something that opened up a whole other world for me.
 
“So, do you vaccinate your kids?”
 
I replied, “Of course!” “Don’t you?”
 
Her eyes lowered and she shook her head and said, “No actually I don’t.”
 
I was stunned, and to be completely honest, put off.
 
I asked why and she said with a warm smile, “Well, have you researched vaccines?”
 
No. I had never researched vaccines.
 
A ton of bricks landed in my stomach.
 
Ugh. Here we go again… I let it go for the moment, as I didn’t want to hinder this magical evening.
 
I felt supported and knew that I had finally connected with a friend on this journey and this made me a little less overwhelmed and scared of what I’d find.
 
She told me she would send me a book.
 
That was the end of that conversation. I was glad to keep the energy up and not focus on anything else I messed upon as a mom.
 
We talked for hours but it seemed like minutes.
 
I was so inspired and just didn’t want this night to end.
 
Scott was taking care of the boys so I could have this much-needed time of connection.
 
Before she left, I told her how much I loved this conversation and needed more!
 
She agreed.
 
We decided to create a private FB community where we can share all the things we have learned or were learning about.
 
Right after she left, I got on my phone and created a private group in Facebook and called it “Hippie Moms Aren’t Crazy”.
 
This was our community.
 
I felt so excited and just overall a little more at ease.
 
The next day I got in our group and noticed then she added a couple hundred of her friends.
 
This is when it gets funny.
 
At first, I was like, WTF? This is our group. This is our community. Just us!
 
HAHA! Now, I think back and see how silly I was.
 
I got over it and quickly saw the opportunity.
 
I added a couple hundred of my friends.
 
This was the inception of Hippie Moms.
 
We are now an almost 5,000 member community of like-minded women. If you are not in the community, please join us! 
 
You can click here to join our online Facebook community
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