The Lies We Carry
Feb 24, 2021
“NEVER wear yellow. It makes you look pale and doesn't look good with your skin tones," she said towering over me in her 5-inch heels.
She was put together perfectly.
Not a strand of hair out of place. Pounds of makeup applied just right to keep her looking young and vibrant.
I looked up and remember thinking, I will NEVER ever wear yellow. I want to look like her.
I want to be beautiful and I want people to think I am beautiful.
She turned to walk away, paused, and turned towards me again, "You also need to really focus on your eye makeup. Your eyes are really narrow and it can make them look wider and more symmetrical." Then she spun on her heels and walked away.
Don't wear yellow. Check.
Narrow eyes, need eye makeup to help. Check.
When I was around 8 or 9 years old, I signed up for modeling school with one of my best friends.
We learned to walk the runway, how to do our makeup and all the things we should and shouldn’t do if we want to be pretty, polite, and perfect.
The woman who owned the agency was born to teach modeling. She was born to pick apart young girls to help them fix themselves so they could try to live up to all of these unobtainable standards set by our society. I don't blame her.
I just remember every time I left a class I felt so ugly and wanting to fix myself as fast as I could.
It was the same feeling I felt after reading a fashion or fitness magazine.
That I'm not-enoughness feeling that sinks my stomach and makes my throat tight.
Recently, I found this jacket I absolutely loved. It's baby soft fluffy lining and suede shell called to me like a lovebird calling its mate.
I knew when I saw it, it was mine.
Then the thought arose, you can't wear yellow! It makes you look pale and conflicts with your skin tones!
That old voice coming up again to tell me who I am at this moment. My stomach sunk and my throat tightened.
I sat there in the middle of the store feeling and noticing my body's reaction to this yellow jacket.
it was almost comical. Silly, that this simple concoction of fabric created such a stir within me.
Fuck that shit, I thought.
I no longer subscribe or believe in the lies I've been told.
I realize now that I am solely responsible for creating my own "rules" about what I wear, what I believe, what I think, say, and do.
I quickly grabbed that jacket, with a rebellious flair, and took it home to be mine forever.
I will wear yellow damnit.
I share this story because we all carry lies with us. Big ones, smalls ones, and everything in between. Some rule our lives every day, and some just dictate what we think we can and can't wear.
We carry them like suitcases full of 20-pound weights and we don't even realize that we are carrying them.
We carry them throughout our entire lives until we wake up and decide, I don't want to fucking carry these anymore!
I'm tired of carrying things that don't belong to me. These things belong to the people who impressed us with their pain, fear, and unconsciousness.
They are not our truth.
I can share with you countless lies I've been told... from family, friends, society, our culture, and the shared belief-systems that we unconsciously subscribe to.
There are too many so what I want to share is that no matter what lie or belief we have chosen to carry with us, it can be set down.
It can be burned.
It can be decimated.
We can choose our own story. We can choose to be free from them.
So wear that fucking yellow jacket.
Design your life for you... put that baggage down and invoke your divine freedom. It's waiting for you.
I love you,