The Story of My Awakening (Part 5) - My Breaking Point
Nov 22, 2021
Now I share with you the last part of this series, my depth of motherhood.
It was a very shameful and vulnerable moment.
I had my second son, Ryder, in December of 2013.
Of course, it changed the dynamic of our family of 3 and it was a welcome change.
I had made some major shifts in the way we ate and lived and I felt that we were all getting healthier.
My pregnancy was much easier than my first and I was much more confident in early motherhood.
I didn’t frequent the google dark hole as often :)
Being a mom, having a new baby, working, and keeping everyone alive were a lot of stress. I was always overwhelmed.
At this time, I just assumed that this was how motherhood was supposed to be.
I trusted myself and my ability to be a mom and this my friends was a game-changer.
I felt as if I had this mom-thing down and was enjoying being at home with my kids… well at least in the beginning.
About a year later is when I had a major breakdown.
I had left my job of 14 years to become a stay-at-home mom. I thought I was ready for that.
Working and mothering 2 kids was so stressful.
My husband and I were finally at a point where we had enough money saved that I could take some time to be a mom and stop the grind in commercial real estate.
A few months in I was a mess.
I wasn’t sleeping. I ran on coffee and carbs and the nightly glass (or two of wine).
I’m embarrassed to share that I was drinking way more than I would like to admit.
I was numbing. I was numbing a lot.
Everything was just so overwhelming.
I had very little time to take care of myself. I was struggling to lose the baby weight and just felt so ugly and unattractive.
I was about to break… and I did.
It was a normal Tuesday.
My eldest went to preschool a few days a week, and today he was home with me and the baby.
I wasn’t sleeping well, nobody was. I didn't believe in sleep training and we all shared a bed. Yes, I'm that mom.
I was always irritated and getting upset at the smallest of things.
It was in the afternoon and Ryland came over to me as I was standing at the kitchen counter making myself something to eat.
He asked for a treat. I told him he’d have to wait.
He didn’t like that response.
He started to whine and cry and hit my leg.
I was so irritable and frustrated, that I told him in a stern and mean voice, “NO! Now you can’t even have a treat if you’re going to act like that!”
He met my anger with even more rage.
He started to scream and flail to the floor.
I was livid.
I told him he had to go to his room.
I put him in there with force and told him that he couldn’t come out until I said so.
A few minutes later he came bursting into the kitchen.
He just screamed at the top of his lungs. "I WANT A TREAT!"
At this moment, I had enough.
I was so empty.
Empty of energy and patience.
I lost it.
I went right beside him and kneeled down. I met his eyes with mine.
I grabbed the sides of his face with my hands and yelled at the top of my lungs, “SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
He stopped screaming immediately.
He turned white and I will never forget the look of horror and fear in his eyes.
I couldn’t believe I had just done that.
I was completely stunned.
It was like my body was taken over by a demon. I felt so out of control and so ashamed.
My eyes softened and tears began to roll down my face. I collapsed on the floor and cried…
Ryland stood by me for a minute or two in shock and then met me on the floor.
He put my face in his hands and said, “Mommy, I'm sorry”, in his sweet two-year-old voice.
I just fell apart. He held me. For a split second, it was like our roles changed.
It was at this moment, I knew something had to shift.
I was getting angrier and angrier… physically and verbally borderline abusive.
This scared the shit out of me.
I could not live like this anymore.
In the next series, I will continue to share pivotal points in my motherhood and journey that taught me how to care for myself more and create the holistic and healthy lifestyle that I so desired to create... without all the stress!
I have learned so much and I just want to share with you in hopes that you'll be inspired to make little shifts and changes and know that it doesn't have to be stressful.
As moms, we need support. We need tips, strategies, guidance, and inspiration. We need to know that we aren't alone.
This is my mission, to help support holistic-minded mamas who long for community and support of those who have paved the way before them.
Join me in any way that you are called to!
In love and light, Becky